The psychologist showed the pessimist a room full of toys. The little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the parents asked. “Don’t you want to play with the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy cried, “but I don’t see my favorite toy.”
Next the psychologist brought the optimistic child a box with the “stuff” you find on the floor of a horse stable. The optimist yelled with delight and began digging. “What do you think you’re doing?” the parents asked. The little boy beamed and said, “With all this manure, there must be a pony here somewhere!”
The moral of the story is: Yes, even when you have a pile of “stuff” in life, look for that proverbial pony. Be an optimist.
The word of God takes us takes us back to the sixth century before Jesus (the 500s), to a national crisis. The army of Babylonia has surrounded Jerusalem to crush a rebellion. The Hebrew king is in a quandary. Should he continue fighting and die, or should he surrender and survive?
Jeremiah advises surrender in light of Babylonia’s overwhelming military superiority. But the king’s advisers, who want to continue fighting, call Jeremiah a traitor and have him thrown into an empty water well, leaving him to die. The indecisive king then orders Jeremiah to be rescued but nonetheless continues battling Babylonia, only to see Jerusalem destroyed.
Jeremiah’s mission was to call the Hebrews to fidelity to God’s covenant. More often than not, they chose infidelity, and so Jeremiah predicted the collapse of Jerusalem. Jeremiah may be asking us, how faithful are we to our baptismal promises? Do we try to live a God-centered life?
The author of the letter to the Hebrews speaks about witnesses to the faith who should inspire the early Christians to persevere, to fix their eyes on Jesus Christ, our way, our truth, our life.
We too have our witnesses in the splendid heroes and heroines in our litany of the saints. These and many more are witnesses to the faith worth studying in our own quest for purpose in life. They challenge us to persevere, to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
In the Gospel according to Luke, Jesus speaks not about peace but about conflict. Jesus preached a message that was clearly divisive. He will burn, so to speak, everything that is false and evil. You’re either with Jesus or against him.
Just as Jesus experienced conflict, so too should we expect conflict in our lives. Every one of us faces conflict or confrontation of one kind or another. Such experiences are not only inevitable but they can make for better human relationships.
Now some people try to avoid conflict, thinking that nice people don’t get angry. But conflicts can lead to constructive solutions and stronger relationships.
I like to share the following guidelines for arguing fairly, so that conflicts can be a healing rather than a hurting experience, a constructive rather than a destructive experience.
1. When we have a bone to pick with someone, we need to set up a time to settle the issue as soon as possible. Why? We don’t want to “bottle up” anger indefinitely. Setting an agreeable time and place allows us to cool off and sort out the crux of the issue.
2. Clarify carefully the particular behavior that annoys us. For example, leaving dirty clothes on the floor makes more work for me. Always make “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I” statements avoid name-calling (“you’re” inconsiderate), generalizations (“you” never think of anyone else), abusive language (“listen, airhead”). Avoid negative judgmental words; and always distinguish the behavior we find objectionable from the negative judgments about that behavior. For example, someone is late. A negative judgment would be: you never think about anyone but yourself. The actual behavior is: you’re late; maybe there was a highway accident or another unavoidable delay. Address the behavior and avoid negative judgments that inevitably undermine a relationship.
3. Express your feelings honestly. A wife whose husband was always late for dinner without calling showed her annoyance one night by leaving him a plate of dog food. She obviously was expressing her feelings through her actions, and fortunately her husband was good humored about it. But disguising our feelings, instead of expressing them, can be dangerous, like using the silent treatment. Feelings are neither positive nor negative; they are facts. Just as aches and pain in our bodies alert us to physical problems, negative feelings alert us to problems in our relationships. There’s nothing wrong with expressing feelings honestly and calmly.
4. Lastly, come up with creative solutions. The goal of any conflict is to resolve a problem in a way that is agreeable to both parties. We may have a specific request that will resolve the issue (like asking someone to play the drums some time other than midnight). Many times, though, we cannot think of a solution. Then we brainstorm together: the more ideas, the better. Sometimes, we may come up with a new creative solution to the problem. Other times we may decide to live with an unsolvable problem: we simply agree to disagree.
There are other guidelines for arguing fairly. For example, actively listening to what the other person is saying, not taking ourselves too seriously, staying calm, spelling out agreements, and so forth. Many of these we know, but in the heat of an argument, we can easily forget.
St. Paul wrote centuries ago that love “does not brood over injury.” All of us must be willing to forgive, forget, and be friends. If we do things together and communicate regularly, then we create a climate of love, respect, and trust in which our relationship will not self-destruct under the strain of occasional conflicts.
When all else seems to fail, turn to chapter 6 in Luke, where Jesus advises:
Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged.
Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive and you will be forgiven.
And remember the words of the optimist:
“(With all this manure) there must be a pony somewhere!” Be optimistic about life. Amen!
