Constructive Conflicts

Dali's Sacrament of the Last Supper

In the Gospel according to Luke, Jesus speaks about conflict. Jesus preached a clearly divisive message. He will burn or destroy everything that is false and evil. You’re either with Jesus or against him.

Church history shows times of disagreement about various things. Imagine, instead of divisiveness, if Christians had continued walking together, putting unity first.

Every one of us faces conflict or confrontation of one kind or another. Such experiences are not only inevitable, they can make for better human relationships. They can be an opportunity to set a relationship on a healthy course, if we commit to keeping first things first, for constructive solutions and stronger relationships.

I like to share the following guidelines, so that conflicts can be a healing rather than a hurting, a constructive rather than a destructive experience:

1. When we have a bone to pick with someone, we need to set up a time to settle the issue as soon as possible. We don’t want to “bottle up” anger indefinitely. Setting an agreeable time and place allows us to cool off and sort out the crux of the issue.

2. Clarify the particular behavior that annoys us. For example, dirty clothes on the floor makes more work for me. Always make “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I” statements avoid name-calling (“you’re” inconsiderate), generalizations (“you” never think of anyone else), abusive language (“listen, you airhead”). Avoid negative judgment. For example, someone is late. A negative judgment would be: you never think about anyone but yourself. The actual behavior is: you’re late; maybe there was an unavoidable delay.

3. Express your feelings honestly. Disguising our feelings can be dangerous, like using the silent treatment. Feelings are neither positive nor negative; they are facts. As aches and pain alert us to physical problems, feelings alert us to our relationship. There’s nothing wrong with expressing feelings honestly and calmly.

4. Lastly, come up with creative solutions. The goal is to resolve a problem in a way that is agreeable to both parties. We may have a specific request that will resolve the issue. Many times, we cannot think of a solution. Then we brainstorm together: the more ideas, the better. Sometimes, we may come up with a new creative solution. Other times we may simply agree to disagree.
All the while, we continue living and working together. All relationships call for nurturing if they are to become stronger.

St. Paul wrote that love “does not brood over injury.” If we do things together and communicate regularly, then we create a climate of love, respect, and trust.

In chapter 6 of St. Luke, Jesus advises: Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Amen.

Holy Week Begins

Dali's Sacrament of the Last Supper

On Palm Sunday, some two billion Christians worldwide begin Holy Week, the chief week of the Liturgical Year.

We focus in particular upon the Paschal mystery: the journey of Jesus from this earthly life through the mystery of death into heavenly life. “Paschal” refers to the Passover: the passing of the angel of death over the homes of the Hebrews in ancient Egypt. In a larger sense, Passover refers to the exodus or liberation of the Hebrews; every year the Jewish community re-experiences this in the Seder – a word meaning order -- which they will celebrate April 20.

Today on Palm Sunday, we reflect upon a paradox of triumph and tragedy: the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem, and on the other hand the Gospel proclamation of the passion and death of Jesus. And even in the tragedy of Good Friday there will be the triumph of Easter: Jesus, crucified, risen and in our midst.

The Word of God from Isaiah is a poem about a “servant” who suffers for us (the early Christian community saw Jesus in this servant).

Paul’s letter to the Christian community at Philippi quotes an early Christian hymn about God who became one of us.

And the Gospel according to Luke proclaims the passion and death of Jesus.

This coming Thursday, Friday and Saturday are known as the triduum (from a Latin word which means a period of three days).

On Thursday Christians will commemorate the Lord’s Supper: there is the washing of feet (a symbol of service); and then a sacrificial meal in which Jesus gives himself to us in the signs of bread and wine (a symbol of our oneness with God and with our fellow human beings).

On Good Friday we meditate upon the passion and death of Jesus, and have a simple communion service.

And at the Easter vigil we reflect upon the passage of Jesus from this earthly life through death into a transformative heavenly life; the resurrection of Jesus is a pledge of our own liberation from death or nothingness into eternal life. The Vigil includes fire (a symbol of Jesus as the light who illuminates the darkness around us), the proclamation of the story of our salvation in the Scriptures, the renewal of our baptismal promises, and the Eucharist.

Easter proclaims that Jesus is risen; alive among us. I urge all of you to participate in these services as much as you can.

Throughout the 40 days of Lent we have been trying to steer our lives toward the light of Jesus Christ, trying to shake off darkness around us, and the burdens of our daily lives.

I pray that this Holy Week will inspire us to seek ever more enthusiastically the God who became flesh in Jesus of Nazareth, and who by his death and resurrection opened up to all humankind a transformative eternal life beyond this earthly life.

Lent: Getting Our Priorities Straight

Rembrandt's Sketch of Jesus in Wilderness

We have begun our Lenten journey. It is a time to slow down and remember our purpose in life and get our priorities straight.

This weekend, many of us heard the Grand Prix cars racing through downtown St. Petersburg. In our high-speed world it’s a challenge to slow down, remember our purpose and get our priorities straight.

Last Wednesday we had our foreheads smudged with ashes and may have heard a prayer,  “Remember, you are dust and to dust you will return.” Dust symbolizes nothingness. It’s commonplace. Yet God became dust in Jesus of Nazareth. And Jesus charged dust with the grandeur of God through his death/resurrection.

Lent tells us that it is time to get our priorities straight. It's a time for prayer; a time for doing without unnecessary things so the needy can have what’s necessary;and a time to reach out with a helping hand.

The word of God carries us back to the early history of ancient Israel. Deuteronomy focuses on identity, reminding the Hebrews of their roots: they were once at-risk nomads; exploited as cheap labor in Egypt; brought to a place of abundance; and now grateful to the God who saved them.

And our Christian identity? In baptism, we were branded and transformed into a “new creatures,” sons and daughters of God our Father, called to live a god-like life. That’s our identity.

Paul, in his letter, proclaimed fundamental truths: Jesus is our Lord to whom we owe our allegiance. Through faith, we have eternal life.

In the Gospel according to Luke, the devil appears as a seductive voice in the wilderness, tempting Jesus with earthly power and prestige. In some form, these are temptations that many human beings face. God’s word may be asking us how true we are to our identity as baptized Christians.

Yes, Lent is time to consider again our priorities. Leo Tolstoy can be a good resource. Many of us know of Anna Karenina and War and Peace. But Tolstoy also wrote shorter, profoundly religious novels. A Confession, for example, expresses his search for meaning and purpose.

Perhaps Tolstoy’s masterpiece was the 75-page novel The Death of Ivan Ilyich. A man on his deathbed realizes he wasted his life. In exchange for luxury and status, he sacrificed his authenticity and integrity. The result is a spiritual barrenness. Now he faces a mortality he never acknowledged, and he's terrified.

Avoiding thoughts about death, in favor of superficialities, is not reserved to nineteenth-century Russians. It's the story of everyone.

20th American writer Frederick Buechner gives us an examination:

 If you had only one last message to leave to the handful of people who are most important to you, what would it be in twenty-five words or less? Of all the things you have done in your life, which is the one you would most like to undo? Which is the one that makes you happiest to remember? If this were the last day of your life, what would you do with it?

It can be depressing business, Buechner notes, “but if sackcloth and ashes are at the start of it, something like Easter may be at the end.”

As we enter the Lenten season, let us ask God for the grace to pursue single-mindedly the priority in life: eternal life in relationship with God and one another.