Constructive Conflicts

Dali's Sacrament of the Last Supper

In the Gospel according to Luke, Jesus speaks about conflict. Jesus preached a clearly divisive message. He will burn or destroy everything that is false and evil. You’re either with Jesus or against him.

Church history shows times of disagreement about various things. Imagine, instead of divisiveness, if Christians had continued walking together, putting unity first.

Every one of us faces conflict or confrontation of one kind or another. Such experiences are not only inevitable, they can make for better human relationships. They can be an opportunity to set a relationship on a healthy course, if we commit to keeping first things first, for constructive solutions and stronger relationships.

I like to share the following guidelines, so that conflicts can be a healing rather than a hurting, a constructive rather than a destructive experience:

1. When we have a bone to pick with someone, we need to set up a time to settle the issue as soon as possible. We don’t want to “bottle up” anger indefinitely. Setting an agreeable time and place allows us to cool off and sort out the crux of the issue.

2. Clarify the particular behavior that annoys us. For example, dirty clothes on the floor makes more work for me. Always make “I” statements, not “you” statements. “I” statements avoid name-calling (“you’re” inconsiderate), generalizations (“you” never think of anyone else), abusive language (“listen, you airhead”). Avoid negative judgment. For example, someone is late. A negative judgment would be: you never think about anyone but yourself. The actual behavior is: you’re late; maybe there was an unavoidable delay.

3. Express your feelings honestly. Disguising our feelings can be dangerous, like using the silent treatment. Feelings are neither positive nor negative; they are facts. As aches and pain alert us to physical problems, feelings alert us to our relationship. There’s nothing wrong with expressing feelings honestly and calmly.

4. Lastly, come up with creative solutions. The goal is to resolve a problem in a way that is agreeable to both parties. We may have a specific request that will resolve the issue. Many times, we cannot think of a solution. Then we brainstorm together: the more ideas, the better. Sometimes, we may come up with a new creative solution. Other times we may simply agree to disagree.
All the while, we continue living and working together. All relationships call for nurturing if they are to become stronger.

St. Paul wrote that love “does not brood over injury.” If we do things together and communicate regularly, then we create a climate of love, respect, and trust.

In chapter 6 of St. Luke, Jesus advises: Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Amen.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T-ful Relationships

Richard Hook's "Head of Christ"

To foster positive relationships, we must be willing to forgive, apologize and get on with our lives. This of course is a two-way street. If we communicate regularly, do things together and have fun, we can create a climate of love, trust and R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  I can't help but think of Aretha Franklin's magical soul song "Respect"; and her line "sock-it-to me." May she  rest in peace.

For the last three weekends the Gospels have proclaimed that Jesus is the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread and drinks from this cup, Jesus says, abides in God and God abides in them. The mystery of the indwelling of God is in us!

But Jesus is often presented in the Gospels confronting critics. And we too face conflicts in our daily lives. Such arguments are not only inevitable; they can lead to even better relationships. Yes, a disagreement can be an opportunity to clear the air, to get back on course. Let me highlight some guidelines for arguing fairly:

1. When we have a bone to pick, set up a time to speak and settle the matter as soon as possible. Why? We don’t want to bottle up anger indefinitely. Setting an agreeable time and a quiet place also allows us to cool off and sort out the issue. That’s the goal.

2. Define carefully the particular behavior we have a problem with. What do I really object to? Is it worth arguing about? Am I overreacting? For example, when I have to clean up someone else’s mess, it’s more work for me. Make “I” statements, impact statements, rather than “you” statements. “I” statements avoid name calling (like “You’re inconsiderate”), avoid generalizations (like “You never think of anyone else”) and abusive language (like “Listen, you airhead”).

3. Express your feelings honestly,calmly and thoughtfully. Disguising feelings, instead of expressing them honestly and thoughtfully, can be dangerous. Just as aches and pain in our bodies alert us to physical problems, feelings alert us to problems in our relationships. With feelings, thoughtful honesty is the best policy.

4. Come up with creative solutions. You may have a specific request that will resolve an issue. For example, to a teenager, how about playing your drums or trombone some time other than the middle of the night. If we cannot think of a solution, brainstorm: the more ideas, the better. Work together to solve the problem.

There are other so-called “guidelines” for arguing fairly, including actively listening with each other, staying calm, agreeing to disagree and so forth.

God knows we sometimes struggle in our earthly relationships. Daily prayer puts our hearts in the right place. If we’re ever in doubt, turn to Chapter 6 in the Gospel according to Luke, where Jesus advises:
“Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful.
Stop judging and you will not be judged.
Stop condemning and you will not be condemned.
Forgive and you will be forgiven.”